Seers Anonymous
by Idrelle Miocovani
Summary: Sibyll Trelawney is having a bad day. When her retreat from the insanity of Hogwarts is invaded by a sparkly vampire named Alice, who claims to be able to see the future, her Inner Eye is less than pleased. Also featuring Spike from BtVS.


**A/N: **This is a story I wrote for the House Cup tournament on the Jedi Council Boards. The game just finished, so I am allowed to post my fanfic tasks here. This is a Challenge Fic, so I had a set of requirements to work with. They were as follows:

- a fic about Hogwarts or anything in the HP-universe

- pirates vs. ninjas

- Professor Trelawney

- Bipping (bipping = throwing a loaf of bread or other convenient object at someone's head, usually when they are being stupid)

- an internet meme reference of some sort (for example, lolcats or orly/yarly)

- lyrics from any song. Ever. Identify it somehow.

- "I can't believe [insert name of team member/host] is making me do this." (references here go to myself and to my friend Nat, who hosted the House Cup)

- "Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."

- a reference to Spongebob

- penguins

- vampires from any fandom (must be established characters)

Enjoy!

* * *

**Seers Anonymous**

Sybill Trelawney sat at her favourite table in the back room of the Hog's Head, slurping her cooked sherry in its pink paisley-patterned tea cup. It was one of her very own tea cups from her prized tea cup collection (as if the bartender here would have the decency to keep a set of unembarrassing tea cups around!).

Her favourite table was her favourite for several reasons. First, it was situated appropriately by the fire, where she was conveniently placed to drink in the fumes that brightened her Inner Eye – or, at least, that was what was supposed to happen. It was a little difficult to tell; the Inner Eye is so unpredictable, you see. Besides, the bartender didn't stoke the fire properly – he was _that_ lazy – and to add injury to that, he didn't even store the proper salts, so she was usually forced to apply her own! Imagine that! So, was it _really_ her fault when the fire inadvertently started smoking big heliotrope-coloured clouds that obscured everything they covered? Absolutely not.

Second, the fireplace her table was by was framed by her two favourite pieces of art. It was amazing artwork: so vivid, so colourful, so meaningful. One could stare at them all day and think of hundreds of meanings, only to come back the next day and think of hundreds more. On the right, there was a portrait of a large yellow sponge with gigantic, bulbous eyes and beaver teeth, wearing a small, square-ish Hogwarts uniform and lumpy black shoes. Like all wizard paintings, the subject moved and could usually be seen spouting bubbles in front of a pineapple. The title was "SpongeBob the Great!" and was evidently based off of some Muggle creation. On the left was a large painting of a tabby cat with round glasses over enlarged eyes, pointed claws, and a giant, open mouth. It was sitting on the body of a snake-faced man and a bubble caption grew out of its head, following it wherever it went. The caption read: "I HAZ KILLED VOLDY!" Apparently it was also based off another Muggle creation. The bartender had put the paintings the back room because they "disturbed certain clientele" and he didn't want anything to do with them. Sybill didn't know why: they were fascinating. Muggles certainly thought up the strangest things!

Third, the mantle her table was under had three very tall penguins on it. Not real penguins, of course, but then in a magical pub, you could never be sure. However, they definitely looked like stuffed penguins or toy penguins to Sybill. She also found them interesting.

Fourth, her table was the first of eight in the back room and it was the lucky one to be the _only_ one occupied on a regular basis. No one came to the back room but Sybill, and she liked it like that. Thirty-seven years of teaching Divination at Hogwarts meant that she had earned a bit of peace and quiet. The Inner Eye needed quiet to do its magic and "quiet" was not in the definition of Hogwarts, which was why she took refuge at the Hog's Head in the first place. It was the last place anyone would think to look for her. Hogwarts was never going to be a peaceful place, especially now that she had the Weasley-Potter and Granger-Weasley children rampaging around the castle. Their parents had never appreciated her work (why, she could remember quite clearly the day Hermione Granger had stormed from her classroom, refusing to ever come back) and that was bound to be an inherited trait! Those children had been raised to think less of her! She knew it!

But today, the other seven tables were occupied, which was the reason why Sybill was so insistently slurping her cooked sherry. She glared ferociously at the customers intruding on her quiet space by looking intently over the edge of her thick glasses.

None of them appeared to be scared.

None of them were even paying attention to her! In the corner, there was a girl with long brown hair dressed in what vaguely looked like a Greek tunic, twiddling her thumbs and staring at the ceiling. By the draped windows, there was a young couple playing wizard chess with the most absurd pieces ever: pirates against ninjas. A blonde, pointy-eared girl in a purple-bodiced white dress had a sword lying across her lap. She was playing a name-tag that said "Zelda" on it. A group of men with pointed hats sat around another table, fervently arguing about something. Several teenagers occupied two of the tables near the door: they were outfitted with Muggle clothing and ancient Greek weapons. They all looked either preoccupied or bored. The rest were Hogwarts alumni; Sybill could have sworn she recognized her old students Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil having a deep conversation at the table second to the left from the window.

_Sllllllurp._

Nasty invaders.

_Sllllllurp._

Why couldn't she just be left alone?

_Sllllllurp._

The door banged open. Two people entered: a beautiful girl with short dark hair who walked with a dance-like grace despite the four-inch scarlet heels she was wearing, and a tall man with bleach blonde hair. He wore a scowl, which had nothing on those bright red, four-inch heels. They were both incredibly pale. They were both incredibly loud.

"I can't believe Idrelle is making me do this!" the girl was saying.

"Blame Nat," the man replied shortly.

"Okay. I can't believe NAT is making me to this!"

"Shouldn't you have seen this coming or something, Alice?" the man said sardonically.

"Oi, don't get snappy with me, mister, my visions don't work like that. Everything is in flux!"

"Sure, sure. Whatever. Why do I listen to you anyway? You're not even a proper vampire."

"Shut up before I smack you in the face."

"HA! I dare you, shortie!"

"Do you want me to go open those drapes, fry boy? NO. I didn't think so. So shut up! Pip pip!" She snapped her fingers in his face, turned on a heel and stormed gracefully over to Sybill's table.

_Sllllllurp._

Sybill ignored her.

The girl sat down opposite the Divination professor. "Hi, I'm Alice." She smiled a perfect smile and held out a dainty hand. "Alice Cullen."

_Sllllllurp._

"Nice to meet you!"

_Sllllllurp._

"Today's a great day, don't you think?"

Merlin's pants, this girl was persistent!

"Now, if you don't mind," Alice continued, still grinning widely, "I'm going to move my chair two inches to the left. Is that okay?"

_Sllllllurp._

Alice moved her chair. The fire erupted with a heliotrope-coloured cloud of smoke that hovered over Sybill, obscuring her completely.

"Perfect!" Alice declared.

Coughing, Sybill retrieved her want and waved it, Vanishing the cloud. Her eyes were watering, making them took even more buggy and bleary than ever. She reached for one of her scarves and hastily wiped her eyes on it. Her bangles clattered together loudly, producing unintended musical accompaniment.

"What do you want?" she finally managed to say after much hacking and coughing.

Alice placed her chin on her perfectly folded fingers and surveyed Sybill with wide, amber eyes. "You know, you look downright miserable," she said as she crossed her legs.

"Why, I suppose I am," Sybill replied tartly. "Now, would you be a very kind girl and leave me in peace?"

Alice continued to smile. The foot of her crossed leg bounced daintily up and down.

"The Inner Eye should never be bothered by those on the mortal plane!" Sybill tried again, using the entirety of her mystical voice powers.

Alice did not look swayed. Instead, she pointed at her sour-looking blonde companion and said, "No, Spike. If you try that, I will open the drapes and let you fry."

Spike was standing perfectly still. "I didn't do anything!"

"Yes," Alice said charmingly, "but you were thinking about it. Now sit, or am I going to have to have the writers put you on probation for trying to eat people when you're not supposed to?"

"Alice, I have a bloody chip in my head – I'm already on the equivalent of probation!"

"Well, then—" Alice smiled graciously and turned back to Sybill. "You know, you could really do with a make-over, dear."

Sybill sniffed. _Go away…_

"Really, Sybill, your hair is a darn mess," Alice continued. "Just look at it! All frayed and going grey… ehh." She made a face, which still looked perfectly beautiful even if it was a crumpled up expression. "Yes. The descendent of Cassandra Trelawney really shouldn't look this messy! No one should look this messy!" She paused for a moment. Her eyes brightened, as if an idea had suddenly come to her. "I know!" She seized Sybill's hands. The bangles clashed together. "Let's go clothes shopping!"

Before Sybill could respond (she planned to say that she hadn't gone clothes shopping in twenty years and didn't plan to start doing it now), Alice's expression fell.

"Oh, I see," she said. "How unfortunate. No matter what I do, you won't change your mind. Ho hum. How very boring." She sighed.

Sybill picked up her sherry glass and drained it. She decided that she was most definitely hallucinating. No one like this giddy girl would ever in her right mind come talk to Sybill Trelawney, the old crone of the north tower. Perhaps if she drank more, the hallucinations would stop bothering her.

"You know, Sybill," Alice said suddenly, "life… is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast—"

What sort of philosophising was this? Sybill _hated_ grapefruit.

"—but life doesn't always have to be so glum! Lighten up, yeah?"

"What are you doing here?" Sybill snapped, testily glaring at Alice over her empty sherry glass.

"Oh? Me?" Alice's eyebrows went up. "There's a sign on the door," she said, pointing. "You should go check it out. You might find all your answers there. Or," she added, "you _will_ find all your answers there because I know that you will go check it out in ten… nine… eight…"

Sybill stared at her. This girl was completely off her rocker.

"… seven… six… five… four… three… two and a half… see, I knew to say that… one…"

Sybill slammed her glass on the table as she rose from her chair, walked to the door and peered around it. Plastered to the front of it was a sign that had not been there when she arrived. It said, in big, flashing letters: "WELCOME TO SEERS ANONYMOUS, THE HOGSMEADE SEER/PROPHET SUPPORT GROUP. EVERYONE WELCOME."

Two spaces below it, in even larger, brighter letters, was: "DON'T PANIC."

In tiny, little letters below _that_ was: "The password is forty-two."

Sybill turned around and marched back to Alice. "My Inner Eye did not foresee this!" she said, sticking her chin imperiously up in the air.

Alice caught her hands and slowed her down. "Woah! That's okay! My Inner Eye doesn't see a lot of things, either!"

Sybill stopped. "You are a seer?" she asked suspiciously.

Alice nodded. "Yeah! Couldn't you tell? I've been predicting things all day long!"

Sybill raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Mhm! Like how you were going to go look at the sign, oh, and before that, me with the chair? And the smoke? Remember that? Oh, and I predicted that if I came here, I would meet up with Spikey –"

Sybill was fuming. This girl was completely pointless. "The Inner Eye does not See on command!" she said crossly. "You are an embarrassment to all Seers! I don't believe for one second that you are one!" She teetered sideways; Alice caught her and set her upright.

"See?" Alice said. "I knew I had to catch you, because I knew you were going to fall. I saw it."

"That is something called _reflex,"_ Sybill retorted. "If you are a true Seer, then tell me this: where is your friend?"

Alice looked around the room in a moment of fluttering panic. Spike, the tall, hulking blonde man, was gone. If Alice could have paled, she would have, but unfortunately such a feat was impossible for her. She stared at Sybill, who crossed her arms expectantly. Alice began pacing, one hand pressed to her forehead.

"Umm… let me see… just one second…"

"I told you," Sybill said, "the Inner Eye does not See on command!"

Alice held up a finger. "Just hang on a sec, there, Sybill!" She squinted at her. "If I told you to duck, would you duck?"

Sybill thought about it for a moment. "No," she said flatly.

"Well – DUCK!"

Without warning, the penguin on the mantelpiece exploded with a bang. It went flying like a Muggle rocket in an upward spiral, where it hit the ceiling and came down in flames, right towards the spot where Sybill was standing. She threw herself out of the way. The penguin careened around the room and then burst through the heavy drapes and crashed through the window, leaving a trail of smoke and broken glass in its wake. The drapes, now open, brought a burst of sunlight into the room. Alice was caught in the middle of it and her skin began sparkling.

"Oops," she said.

Sybill stared at her.

Alice raised her eyebrows.

Sybill broke into laughter.

"What?" Alice demanded.

"You look like a bunch of… glittering… sequins!" Sybill exclaimed, barely able to control her laughter.

"I'm a vampire," Alice said crossly. "So's Spike, for that matter, but we're different kinds of vampires. Anyways, this is what happens when I go into the sunlight! I sparkle! Deal with it!"

Sybill's eyes widened. She knew that if she was looking at herself, her eyes would have been looking buggier than ever.

"A vampire from which planet?" she crowed. "Ooh, don't tell me! You're an alien as well! You're a vampire Seer who can See the future, but the future's always changing, so all you're good for is foreshadowing! Hee hee hee!"

"I think you've had too much sherry," Alice said.

Sybill was stumbling around the room now, unable to stop laughing.

"Come on, this is serious!" Alice said. "This is Seers Anonymous! You're being an embarrassment to the Seer community, Sybill! Look at all the people who came out!"

Sybill gave the other people in the room a sparing glance. They weren't the least bit interested. In fact, the vicious ninja versus pirate chess game was a lot more interesting to them than the antics of an old Divination professor and a sparkly foreshadow-telling vampire.

In fact, Sybill herself found the chess game more interesting than her own situation. The ninjas were winning. A ninja bishop had just jumped a pirate rook from behind (how that happened, she had no idea) and the pirate queen was cowering in a corner next to the pirate king. The ninja king was giggling with glee from his corner, surrounded by his ninja pawns and his protective ninja rook.

"_I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"_

Alice abruptly stopped shouting at Sybill. Sybill abruptly stopped laughing. The pair stared at each other.

"What's that?" they asked simultaneously.

They exchanged looks.

"Don't you have the Inner Eye?" they said together.

"_I feel pretty and witty and gay!_

_And I pity_

_Any… guy… who isn't me today!"_

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh," she said. "Right. Drunk, as usual. Excuse me, Sybill, dear?"

"Don't 'dear' me, Alice _dear,"_ Sybill snapped.

Alice's eyes widened. "Oohoo! Sarcasm from the Divination professor! Whoever heard of that?"

The door banged open. Spike swung in, a sherry bottle in hand (it seemed all that the Hog's Head could afford at the moment was sherry), and smoothly twirled across the floor. "You, dear Alice, have!" he said. _"I feel charming! Oh so charming! It's alarming how charming I feel!"_

Alice marched over to him and snatched the sherry bottle out of his hand. "Really, Spike, what are you doing?"

"Really, Alice, what do you think I'm doing?" he shot back. "Didn't you _foresee_ it?" He snatched the bottle from her in turn. He downed another gulp. "Singing _I Feel Pretty._ West Side Story, you know. You should get out more." He turned on a heel and sauntered away, his voice now ridiculously off-key. _"I'm so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real!"_

"You are unbelievable," Alice said.

"Blame Idrelle."

"Blame Idrelle," Alice agreed. "If in doubt, blame Idrelle. Or Nat. Blaming Nat is good, too."

"You know, it could have been worse," Spike added. "I could have done _I Could Have Danced All Night_ and been styling the whole Tenth Doctor entrance from series two— WOAH!" He skidded to a halt on the floor, having walked right into a patch of sunlight that came shining in through the broken window. "SUN!" he shrieked, backpedalling just as his arm began smoking. He blew on it, trying to clear the smoke.

"Yep," Alice said, walking into it purposefully. She sparkled. "Isn't it nice?"

Spike stopped blowing and glared at her. "No fair, disco ball."

Alice's amber eyes hardened. "Shut up, smoke alarm."

This exchange could have gone on for much longer if Sybill hadn't grown tired of it. Her quiet space had been invaded by a parade of ridiculous people who claimed to be vampires or something. Her sherry supply had run low and clearly no one here was eager to discuss the Inner Eye. A penguin had exploded on the mantelpiece and she had a strange The sooner she did something about it, the sooner things could get back to normal.

Sybill scanned the room, looking for the most convenient objects to get her point across. Spotting them, she marched across the room towards the duo playing wizard chess. Without so much as an "excuse me", she picked up a ninja knight and the pirate queen, both of which were currently trying to hack each other to pieces.

"Oh, stop it," she snapped at them.

She took careful aim at the arguing vampires, brought her arm back and pitched the ninja knight at Spike's head and the pirate queen at Alice's. The figures flew through the air, squealing in high pitched voices, and hit – with deadly accurately – right on target. Alice and Spike were knocked to the floor.

Sybill stood triumphant. Applause erupted from the crowd in the room, who had been watching out of their peripheral vision.

"Excellent bipping, Professor Trelawney," someone in a corner said.

Sybill raised her chin imperiously. "Why, thank you," she said. "When you want to bip someone, always make sure you have a ninja and a pirate to throw at them. They work the best. Now, if there is nothing else, I must be getting back to the castle and to my job. It appears that Seers Anonymous is not the place for my calibre of Seer."

With that, she marched towards the door, nose in the air, stopping only to snatch Spike's sherry bottle from his hand. She drained it on her way out and slammed the door behind her.

_fin_


End file.
